A love letter to my horse
Somebody asked me recently why I make these videos, who are they for? Are they for me, to look back on, are they for the people I share them with, to show how far Diesel and I have come? Though I initially brushed the question off, it stuck with me. Who are these videos for? Partly they are for me, I adore looking back at all the memories Diesel and I have shared but I also realized that these videos are in large part for him. Though Diesel will never watch these videos or be able to understand them, I think my videos have always been love letters to my horse. I will never be able to express to him how much he means to me and in some small way, making these videos is an expression of that. Today I thought I would also try and put that love letter into words.
dear diesel,
9 years. Somehow I feel certain that not many people have shared what we have in our time together and I know for certain that I will never share a bond like this with another horse. I got so incredibly lucky with you as my first horse, I can’t begin to express my gratitude for everything we have shared and all the memories we have made. Though there have been incredible highs, in the forms of ribbons, and trophies and higher heights jumped, what comes to mind the most when I think back on our time together is the constant you have been in my life. The horse world has not been an easy place for me and I have lost more friends than I’ve made. I have gone through some of the greatest tribulations through our time together, from wrestling with my sexuality, to losing best friends, to facing rejection and difficult life decisions, but you have always been there. I look back and I know that I would not be the person I am today if it was not for you and I’m not sure I would have gotten through it all in one piece without you. You have been the calm in the storm when the waves were 10 feet high and my best friend when I was lonely. I look at you and feel such gratitude and love, you have been far more than just a horse to me.
Now that we have almost reached a decade together, and you are celebrating your 19th birthday this year, I have become painfully aware of the brevity of our partnership. I used to celebrate each anniversary as a joyful accomplishment, another year of memories and moments, of trust and connection, another milestone. While I still feel that way, I am also faced with the fact that it is another year closer to the last year, whenever that will be and that our time together is fleeting and quickly passing me by. No amount of years will ever be enough and my heart aches at the thought of a day when you will not be here. If you were to ask me how long I would love you, there would be no end. I am at a point in my life when loss is becoming more familiar, the loss of grandparents, the loss of old family pets, the loss of extended family and yet I can’t even comprehend what it will mean when our partnership ends. I hope dearly that we have many more years left, for I am certainly not ready to say goodbye any time soon, not that I ever really will be.
So thank you Diesel, for being my friend, my teacher, for never letting life be boring, for always knowing how to get me out of my head, for knowing when to be calm and when to be “all fired up”, for teaching a little girl how to fly and reminding an older girl how to come back down to earth. I will be forever grateful for our time together and that I got so lucky with my very first horse, you are all I could have ever asked for and more.
With love, always and forever,
